You know you're on your way you know you are

It is a journey and in my intensified state of mangled brain waves, a maze of enlightenment. I do not have to spend time saying, doing, being, anything I don't want to. I can leave a movie fifteen minutes into it. I can eat an entire bag of Reeses and I don't care if the cat eats off my plate. I am tired of taking care of people and I don't want any people taking care of me unless they are paid to do so. It is messy and exhausting taking care of people, especially ones with my gene pool. I realize that my oldest brother was shackled with much of the care of the second through fifth child. The paternal figure was busy drinking and working. The maternal figure was busy birthin more babies, just another incongruity to the depressive household. So this is my tribute, my thank you, and my apology to him, the eldest.
He walked the floor with me when I was sick again and again. and put me in ice cube baths when my fever possessed me. He helped me with homework that escaped me, no explanations for geometrical figures or abstract boxes were enough. I was still sent to the office with the lowest scores on abstract reasoning they had ever seen. He took me to movies, plays, and to restaurants and explained the mysterious workings of a menu of how to act in public. He thought I was funny and bright and read my letters to his friends at college. He subscribed to Mother Earth, rode a bicycle and ate brown rice and organic foods. long before they were Hollywood popular. He was political and I was obsessed with his knowledge. He went to Washington to protest the war. He worked on McCarthy's campaign and I cried when he lost because I had come to understand what it meant through his eyes.

He tried so hard to help me be normal. I was terrorized in gym class called Denny McClain and always walking in front of balls. I just could not figure it out. He tried to help me drive. I ran over a turtle. It was devastating, but I just did not know what to do. I still can not back up. I sit in the car for an hour trying to understand which way to turn the wheel then I mess up and ask my neighbor to back it out. Driving it seems was perhaps not meant to be and crying for the examiner and promising you would not drive alone, that you just need identification for your Navy husband, well, that is how you learn to get by, same with gym class compliment the teacher, obey the rules, and hope and pray there is one kid worse than you. He took me to colleges visits, plays, movies, gave me books to read and showed me that there was a life beyond.
It was a retched spot the oldest, but he handled it with class and courage and gave us the best possible example to follow. He went to the most prestigious college in the state ( sorry about that one, he tried). He earned his masters there as well. He has been very successful in all aspects of life and he richly deserves them. I just wanted to thank him. I am honored that he is my brother.