I had a most wondrous time with my aunt and cousin walking and running, just a tad my aunt at 76 surpassed us. How impressive and she just got on facebook. My mom was screaming at home when I was watching birds and blue skies and my aunt spotting sparkly cans in the ditch.
I have come to know that the most unbearable pain in life is that which you can not take away from those you love I just keep hearin the sound of my dad yelling and screaming, and my mom crying, and I just keep talking and talking to them telling them to go away in there head just leave, go... somewhere...anywhere where it safe and kind and quiet. I realize I am going there as they are screaming because I am very good at leaving.
I am not good at confrontation and many things have turned into maelstrom of excrement because of this.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
You know you're on your way you know you are
It is a journey and in my intensified state of mangled brain waves, a maze of enlightenment. I do not have to spend time saying, doing, being, anything I don't want to. I can leave a movie fifteen minutes into it. I can eat an entire bag of Reeses and I don't care if the cat eats off my plate. I am tired of taking care of people and I don't want any people taking care of me unless they are paid to do so. It is messy and exhausting taking care of people, especially ones with my gene pool. I realize that my oldest brother was shackled with much of the care of the second through fifth child. The paternal figure was busy drinking and working. The maternal figure was busy birthin more babies, just another incongruity to the depressive household. So this is my tribute, my thank you, and my apology to him, the eldest.
He walked the floor with me when I was sick again and again. and put me in ice cube baths when my fever possessed me. He helped me with homework that escaped me, no explanations for geometrical figures or abstract boxes were enough. I was still sent to the office with the lowest scores on abstract reasoning they had ever seen. He took me to movies, plays, and to restaurants and explained the mysterious workings of a menu of how to act in public. He thought I was funny and bright and read my letters to his friends at college. He subscribed to Mother Earth, rode a bicycle and ate brown rice and organic foods. long before they were Hollywood popular. He was political and I was obsessed with his knowledge. He went to Washington to protest the war. He worked on McCarthy's campaign and I cried when he lost because I had come to understand what it meant through his eyes.
He tried so hard to help me be normal. I was terrorized in gym class called Denny McClain and always walking in front of balls. I just could not figure it out. He tried to help me drive. I ran over a turtle. It was devastating, but I just did not know what to do. I still can not back up. I sit in the car for an hour trying to understand which way to turn the wheel then I mess up and ask my neighbor to back it out. Driving it seems was perhaps not meant to be and crying for the examiner and promising you would not drive alone, that you just need identification for your Navy husband, well, that is how you learn to get by, same with gym class compliment the teacher, obey the rules, and hope and pray there is one kid worse than you. He took me to colleges visits, plays, movies, gave me books to read and showed me that there was a life beyond.
It was a retched spot the oldest, but he handled it with class and courage and gave us the best possible example to follow. He went to the most prestigious college in the state ( sorry about that one, he tried). He earned his masters there as well. He has been very successful in all aspects of life and he richly deserves them. I just wanted to thank him. I am honored that he is my brother.
He walked the floor with me when I was sick again and again. and put me in ice cube baths when my fever possessed me. He helped me with homework that escaped me, no explanations for geometrical figures or abstract boxes were enough. I was still sent to the office with the lowest scores on abstract reasoning they had ever seen. He took me to movies, plays, and to restaurants and explained the mysterious workings of a menu of how to act in public. He thought I was funny and bright and read my letters to his friends at college. He subscribed to Mother Earth, rode a bicycle and ate brown rice and organic foods. long before they were Hollywood popular. He was political and I was obsessed with his knowledge. He went to Washington to protest the war. He worked on McCarthy's campaign and I cried when he lost because I had come to understand what it meant through his eyes.
He tried so hard to help me be normal. I was terrorized in gym class called Denny McClain and always walking in front of balls. I just could not figure it out. He tried to help me drive. I ran over a turtle. It was devastating, but I just did not know what to do. I still can not back up. I sit in the car for an hour trying to understand which way to turn the wheel then I mess up and ask my neighbor to back it out. Driving it seems was perhaps not meant to be and crying for the examiner and promising you would not drive alone, that you just need identification for your Navy husband, well, that is how you learn to get by, same with gym class compliment the teacher, obey the rules, and hope and pray there is one kid worse than you. He took me to colleges visits, plays, movies, gave me books to read and showed me that there was a life beyond.
It was a retched spot the oldest, but he handled it with class and courage and gave us the best possible example to follow. He went to the most prestigious college in the state ( sorry about that one, he tried). He earned his masters there as well. He has been very successful in all aspects of life and he richly deserves them. I just wanted to thank him. I am honored that he is my brother.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Vision, Hallucination, Crazy Sight?
Since I have ignored these bizarre brain - vision - disconnections for the past four or five years remembering and writing them down now as they occur is entertaining, at least to me. This is my most recent. I was walking in the rain this morning when I spotted a bright red and yellow soccer ball, baby size deciding to let it go I was mesmerized by the face of Mikael Gorbachev on front of the ball.It had me I was intrigued and knew I must take this with me. Christian and Julia would find it funny, but when I went to pick it up I realized oh, it's a McDonald's french fry box but NO it's not as my brain worked extra boringly hard and said it is a crumpled coke can and I didn't pick it up even for the earth or the deposit. I was so disappointed no Gorbachev.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
This time I'm gonna make it on my own
No time to lament the issue I'm just walking away. It is a waste of life to continue on my self inflicted torture of family so I must be leavin. I'm sure there will be missteps along the way, but I feel at peace.
I was so excited to see Trilly Lily this morning she ran up to me and before she remembered that she was feral I petted her. It is becoming a daily occurrence and I love her so. It was near fifty degrees outside today and it is difficult to control the euphoria of not feeling cold and being buried in layers of clothes. I am even looking forward to cleaning the minefield that is my backyard. The epiphany of spring, rebirth, reborn, awaken, no mere words can express the feeling of warmth on naked skin,unfrozen earth, brown and delightfully squishy. My hallucinatory guides, birds of flight in full regalia anticipating the mating season, it's a wonderful world.
I was so excited to see Trilly Lily this morning she ran up to me and before she remembered that she was feral I petted her. It is becoming a daily occurrence and I love her so. It was near fifty degrees outside today and it is difficult to control the euphoria of not feeling cold and being buried in layers of clothes. I am even looking forward to cleaning the minefield that is my backyard. The epiphany of spring, rebirth, reborn, awaken, no mere words can express the feeling of warmth on naked skin,unfrozen earth, brown and delightfully squishy. My hallucinatory guides, birds of flight in full regalia anticipating the mating season, it's a wonderful world.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
There's a whirling dervish in my head
My brain is on a tilt a whirl and I'm not sure if I want to get off or stay on. School has always been my safety net, a retreat from the messy complexities of family. I don't know why I can't disentangle myself from their dependency, manipulations, and narcissistic sociopathy. Why I am compelled to listen to the loud cacophony of nonsensical self loathing of ego on a Naploeonic scale. I just want to hide to escape the barrage of lies thrown at me like unaimed gunshots, seeing which one I will believe. Buried beneath it all is the truth.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Fate or Bad Decision
The ninth graders I worked with were assigned a paper each year about Romeo and Juliet Was it fate or bad decisions that caused their untimely death? I had always assumed that it was bad choices, young marriage, dramatic suicides, impulsive behavior. I had never even considered the other side. They had no choice in being Montague or Capulet. It was not in their control that the messenger would be quarantined and Romeo would never know the plan of his Juliet.
We don't choose or are allowed to give our opinion on what family we are born into. Geographically and economically we are cemented into the arms of our kinfolk. Genetically, oh the curses of fate determines our height, hair, general intelligence and predisposition to many forms of addictions and medical maladies. I must rethink my fate/ choices theory and then it comes to me not unlike a sign from the good Lord himself.
We all have a choice in how we react to these angels or demons of fate. That we have knowledge however small gives us the simple odds of the gambler. Do we drink if our father is a raging alcoholic? Do we eat mass quantities of salt and cake when heart disease hangs from the family tree. Do we ignore the crazies in our head when we have had crazies in our house. So I return to the question of fate and choice and they are symbiotic, not existing without the other. Was it fate you met your spouse or your choice to pick up that Mocha latte? Is there a grand plan for our lives, or is it all mixed up in DNA and half thought out decisions? Doesn't matter much on how you get there. It's what you do once you get out of the car.
We don't choose or are allowed to give our opinion on what family we are born into. Geographically and economically we are cemented into the arms of our kinfolk. Genetically, oh the curses of fate determines our height, hair, general intelligence and predisposition to many forms of addictions and medical maladies. I must rethink my fate/ choices theory and then it comes to me not unlike a sign from the good Lord himself.
We all have a choice in how we react to these angels or demons of fate. That we have knowledge however small gives us the simple odds of the gambler. Do we drink if our father is a raging alcoholic? Do we eat mass quantities of salt and cake when heart disease hangs from the family tree. Do we ignore the crazies in our head when we have had crazies in our house. So I return to the question of fate and choice and they are symbiotic, not existing without the other. Was it fate you met your spouse or your choice to pick up that Mocha latte? Is there a grand plan for our lives, or is it all mixed up in DNA and half thought out decisions? Doesn't matter much on how you get there. It's what you do once you get out of the car.
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