Today

Today is an elderberry pie baking in the oven. Today is no cancer for my dear friend and her mother can breathe again. Today is the sun shining on the sunflowers while the yellow finches sing amongst the fuzzy bees. Today my diet coke was cold and frosty down my throat and made me say " that's good" and I thought of my dad. Today the dog hair nests make me shrug. Tomorrow they will still be there.

Stay awake

It has been a long and dizzingly emotional summer, if I knew what snorting cocaine or other narcotics up my nose felt like I am sure that is what I am feeling and I don't find it pleasant just irritating and my face droops and contorts like I am trying to look out the eyepiece of those cylindrical things with the colors a kaleidoscope. Maybe I will imagine that the hundred times a day my crazy right side decides to declare mutiny and twist and turn and make me cry. That is the worst because then I think of my mother and I miss her the most because I can't tell anyone anymore because it isn't real, it isn't interesting. Your mother did not talk about her polio, and I know this is true, but I also know she had two years of people to explain it to her and help her understand the hell her body was creating. Yes, I am a whining freaking disaster, but I am so tired. These episodes are coming minutes apart not the accepted kind where I flail and froth, the hidden kind I blankly stare, my face goes numb, my nose feels as I've snorted my sister's stash way too fast, way too much, my eyelid hangs heavy can't hold it open, mouth starts to droop all on the right side, teeth clench, neck falls, arm weakens and I talk soft or slurry mix things up sorry didn't respond I guess I was listening. I'll just take exorbitant amounts of narcoleptic aids stay awake stay awake stay awake

Doctor says maybe I should consider the damaged part of my brain being removed. I was horrified. It is a part of me as much as my ugly feet, directional disability, and love of cats. He is trying a different drug therapy and I will have to actually adhere to a sleeping and eating schedule, work helps with that. I guess I'm ok not understanding and I can move on now. I will keep my temperol lobe intact with me along with my uterus. We have become friends on this journey I would miss the red birds.