If Gabriel Byrne was listening

I have been watching “In Treatment” to see what the protocol of therapy encompasses. I took the advice of the neurologist and went to see a Neuro-Psychologist. I talk he listens. I am confused by so little interaction. I am uncomfortable talking without mutual sharing. I don’t know where to begin, still confused by the benefit of counseling to remedy my visions of birds, nocturnal self-violence, sleep invasions and numb face. Which if any of my emotional dog bites are causing these physical reactions? I do not feel better dragging through the mud of my life. I struggle with the reason for remembering painful experiences. I am overcome with futile grief. I could not change it then and can not change it now. There is no time machine, if there was I would need instructions to make the right decisions and even with that knowledge, what about the factors I cannot control?

I am circling, trying to find the way out.

Is the purpose to make me stronger, when hands are wrapped around my neck squeezing the air from my lungs? Will it help me forgive myself when my depressive alcoholic genes come to life in my children? Is it to acquire coping skills watching my father feverously try to hang himself from the clothesline? Is it to teach me patience after yelling at my mother for potatoes not cooked to my specifications, she hemorrhages dark red blood in her wheelchair and on the floor? Is it forgiveness when  a relative steals, and lies? Is it tolerance when confronted with hatred laced diatribes in the name of religion? Is it empathy when I hear the grief of loss in my daughter’s voice? Is it gratitude when my dad stops screaming and dies?

I keep watching this HBO version of psychological healing; my appointments appear to be similar, though no one has manifested their turmoil with such symptoms except, perhaps the psychologist who is sure he has the signs of Parkinson's disease and researches obsessively on the internet. I remain conflicted on my creation of neurological phantoms. My counselor tells me I have misinterpreted the diagnosis.

I talk he listens…. Will this change anything? Will this fix me?

The sun is shining.  I can feel my heart beat.  I am alive.