She was always there even when I was not. It was my safety net, my one true thing. When I lost her, I could not ask her if it was all right, if I did what she wanted, if she will forgive me, if I didn’t. I try not to think about it, but the memories are tormenting me. Bad choices or fate, it cannot be separated. I realistically know I could not control the doctor being gone, my son having a medical emergency, the pain my mom felt. Emotionally I am broken , transfixed on what could have, should have been.
There is no looking back. We are not going that way. It is my mantra to move beyond useless conjectures. I need to focus on the light my mother brought to this earth and try to shine a little of my own. I cannot bring her back, but if I give some of her sparkle to life, her spirit lives on.
2 comments:
That is the lesson. We are her, now.
I had to forgive myself for the way Mom died. It took a long time, but I think we'll see each other again, and I think when we do, we'll both know everything and it will be okay.
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